Why it’s self-trust not confidence that matters
Often people come to coaching wanting to improve their confidence.
When I began my second career, as a professional coach, I wanted that too. I wanted to feel more competent, I wanted to provide a good experience (and my inner critic was muttering about ‘what will people think?’). I’m sure some comparing and self-imposed expectations were going on too.
When we step into something new, like learning to drive, there are 4 stages:
Unconsciously incompetent (didn’t even know this was a thing)
Consciously incompetent (ooh this is hard)
Consciously competent (I can do this when I concentrate hard)
Unconsciously competent (I don’t remember driving home)
We don’t become a confident driver until we have some level of repetition and familiarity- which takes time. Confident presenters have probably done several presentations. Confident leaders have done some leading.
But we can always choose a mindset of self-trust. Trust that ‘I’m resourceful’, ‘I’ll figure it out’, ‘I have resources’, ‘I don’t need to have all the answers’, ‘I’ve done hard things before’.
We only learn by doing new things. Willingness to be bad at something is a prerequisite for mastering it. There’s no growth in the Comfort Zone and no comfort in the Growth Zone. We impose our own ceiling if we avoid situations where we don’t have mastery yet. Here are 2 tips:
What empowers us is focusing on our Being first – who we are- (‘I’ve done hard things before,’ ‘I’m a fast learner’, ‘ I’ll bounce back fast ‘ before our Doing. Remembering our strengths relaxes and inspires us – which, funnily enough, helps us come across with more confidence.
Consciously choosing Growth Mindset not Judging mindset. Instead of the tension that comes from focusing on trying not to make a mistake (Judging), step into a curious Learning mindset of exploring, and experimenting and commit to enjoying the ride. You’ll relax, which makes everyone around us relax and trust us more.
My mentor coach told me after week 3 of training, : ‘Trust Your Self, Trust Your Client, Trust the Process’. As a beginner and recovering perfectionist, that was transforming, and I remind myself of that whenever I step into new things. It frees me, creating more space for intuition, creativity and not knowing – where the magic often lives, so I learn and enjoy the process.
Interested ? Take It Further:
Benjamin Zander’s talk to fellow music teachers about giving an A at the start of the semester inspiringly expresses what’s behind this. With his wife Rosamund, he wrote The Art of Possibility. Watch it here.
Carol Dweck’s book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”
